This is what I do, don't try to understand how I do it; I don't really know either

Archive for December, 2018

Open the box

So last weekend sucked. It was bad and it’s over.

Now it’s Wednesday. I made it to Wednesday – yeah me! The other days were ok. I could breathe and think. One thing at a time but progress is progess. Today was descent for most of the day, until 3pm. At 3pm I did not get any tragic news. There was no devastation or life altering messages. Just one that made me sad. And I stayed sad.

I couldn’t figure it out. It wasn’t a terrible message and it just meant re-working some plans. So why did I stay sad? I finished work, made diner and then left for my class. I don’t like to call it yoga class because that is NOT an accurate description. It is a full on fitness class in a sauna that they call yoga. I had a great class but at the end it was like my mind was playing a tape and I started to cry. The cool thing about this “yoga” class is that you all sweat so bad no one can tell that you were crying. I’ve done it many times.

I came home and I made a list. I wrote out all the things that have been very difficult or very hurtful since October 2017. I covered an entire page, line by line with my life that I watched from the tape in my mind. It occured to me, this is why your still sad. It has been one thing after another after another. So when I get sad about one thing I am not just sad about that one thing, I am sad about all of it.

It’s like sadness lives in a box and when I open the sad box it’s all there together because I haven’t been able to fully unpack the box yet. I think it’s the same with all my emotions. Life has not only had difficulty, but it has had incredible joy as well. When I open the happy box it has my kids, my accomplishments, my friends, my school, and my upendo. This is how I can be happy in one minute and sad in another. It depends on which box I have open. Sometimes you can close a box easily (happy often closes easier) and others are more difficult (sad is harder to close – especially with so much stuff in it).

Maybe one day, life will give me some time, and I will take time, to start to go through my sad box. There are some things that will live in that box forever. They are permanant fixtures. But not everything is and I need to work on those things, in my time. They are my boxes and I won’t rush through them. They are part of me now and I choose when to let them go and when to hold them close. Not everyone agrees with me on that, but the one who knows my heart, because He made it, He’s got me and He doesn’t rush.  He would like to slowly unpack with me when I am ready. I love that about Him.

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Adjust

Life hardly ever goes as we had planned it. Maybe we screwed it up or maybe things beyond our control altered the course. Either way, the course has altered; but have we?

A year ago I made plans based on where I thought I would be. I took a second job, not because I had to, but because I wanted to. There were perks to it. Later I applied, got accepted and started my Ph.D. I made financial decisions based on where I was at in life.

Life altered. I have been pretending it hasn’t. Pretending it’s still the same and I can continue the same way. I can’t. The supports I thought were going to be there, are not. We fail when we don’t adjust.

A driver has to turn and direct as the road curves or dips. I have been wanting to continue the same way as before because it was what I wanted, but I have to adjust to what is real and not what I wish things to be. I am in deep grief because I have to let go. I can not do it all or be it all. I left my second job and I will not be able to continue with my school. My school was more than just a degree. It was the hope and dream of the change I wanted to make in the world to help others. I have to let all of that go.

I am angry and I am hurt. I like moving forward but right now moving forward means to be here. To face my pain. To readjust to life and find my new path. Sometimes things have to die for new things to begin.We can’t keep pretending things are the same. They died. Nothing will be the same. What I thought I could achieve is not possible. I have to change my goals,  adjust my pace, and breathe. 10 seconds at a time.

How can I take on the world when I can barely get through 10 seconds?

Adjust.

 

Living in Leaps

I have always been a dreamer…big dreams. That’s never changed and never going to. It was built into my genetic code. The problem with big dreams is that they take great leaps and not every time you leap ends with a perfect landing.

I have been able to dream some big dreams and watch them become reality. It is exciting to see it all come together piece by piece and so affirming. Dreaming big is like living vulnerably. You don’t know if you will fall flat on your face. You can’t always take small steps because there would be too much time pass before it would be too late. Leaps are usually what are required.

So what happens when your leaps fail. You get the wind knocked out of you. You lie broken and bleeding on the concrete. Some stand around and scoff at the dreamer. Some want you back on your feet immediately. Get up and get at em!

That’s not possible. You have to tend to your wounds first. You have to examine yourself for where you got hurt and why. That can take time. That can be even more painful but necessary. Sometimes you bandaid your wound because it’s all you can do even though you know at some point it will require sutures.

You become afraid to leap again. Maybe even afraid to get up period. Why try again? It didn’t work last time. Why take another giant leap? Slow and cautious seems smarter. Less people get hurt going slow and cautious. Less people accomplish big things too.

I’ll get up when I decide it’s time. I’ll leap again when I decide it’s time. My calling hasn’t changed. My DNA remains the same.

Just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean I am not calculating. Evaluating and healing is a process. It’s not hardly ever as fast as anyone wants but forward is forward.

This morning I was told about a long time addict with serious crime issues. He overcame his addition and has changed his life. He was asked how he did it and he said “just make the next right decision.” So simple. When your knocked down, all you need to do is make the next right decision. Don’t focus on other peoples expectations, don’t expect more of yourself than you can do at the moment- just make the next right decision. Each one of those will take you to the place where you leap again.