This is what I do, don't try to understand how I do it; I don't really know either

Archive for March, 2020


Today we were supposed to be on a plane to Poland. It was supposed to be a trip of a lifetime that I had saved for. It was possibly the last trip we all take together. The oldest graduates sooner than it feels like he should and our lives are going to go in different directions. We will always be connected, but things are going to change, as they are supposed to. If I did my job right as a parent then I will have taught my children how to be independent of me.

When Madrid started closing their schools, I knew for certain we had to pull the plug on that dream. We have tickets for Auschwitz because learning about history and standing in the place where it happened are two different things. The first is important but the second holds a power in the impact that is never forgotten. It was that way for me when I was in Rwanda and I wanted to share that with my kids.

So I had to pivot and adjust. I tried to rework the trip to go to Mexico, especially after learning that one of our family members is having serious health issues. I felt that perhaps the pivot was because we needed to be with our family. Yet here we are on March 22 at home after a week of self-isolation and many more to come. We live with a vulnerable person so we had cordoned off quickly and understand that this is the beginning of a long journey.

There is grief for any type of loss. Loss of a job, loss of a dream, loss of hopes. There is fear when there is uncertainty. What will happen in the future? How will we make things work, things like rent and food? Will the company, and all I have worked for and accomplished with it go down with a pandemic?

The oddity of it all is that I know that in this isolation I am not alone in these feelings. So many people had to pivot hard and fast on their plans. So many people are staring down unemployment. So many are trying to make sense of it all when none is to be had. It’s all incredibly surreal. Some moments I am strategizing on how to be the best mom, leader, daughter, etc. and others I am under a blanket eating cheezies and watching the office for the fourth time through.

It seems impossible to have any sense of a solid plan because the future is completely uncertain. There are no definitive answers. People at this point are trying to make decisions on the information that they have at the moment, but moments pass and information changes. It feels like you are trying to make a solid structure from cornstarch and water. It holds its shape long enough for you to see it and then it dissolves into a white puddle.

I have no answers only questions. Time will pass and it will tell me what I did right and what could have been better. With each ticking second, I watch the white milky substance drip through my fingers and wonder what will emerge at the end of it all. It will not be the same because I will not be the same.