This is what I do, don't try to understand how I do it; I don't really know either

Posts tagged ‘death’

Gone for 20 years; never, ever forgotten

Different things are triggers for different people. I have been pretending I’m ok but i am deeply effected by memories and timing.

I don’t think there’s anyone in Canada who doesn’t know about the story of the family in Calgary who are suffering a tragic loss. So senseless and so deep. I can not express my deepest empathy into words for them.

20 years ago today my very close friend and her twin sons were murdered by their husband and father. The very man who vowed to protect them.

Every time I see the news and the faces of those grandparents and grandson I keep thinking, I know what that’s like for their family. I know how it feels to hold a photo in your hand of people you love and see their faces on tv. I know what it’s like to not be able to call anymore. To never hear their voices again. To watch every second of the news because that’s how you know what’s going on with the case. You don’t get privy to special information, you watch and wait like everyone else.

I also know what it’s like to live without them. To feel the emptiness when they are not there to celebrate major life events with you. To support each other in hard times and love you through your challenges, because it’s what she always did. To not know what the boys would grow to become.

I know that it’s been 20 years, 2 decades, and I haven’t forgotten a thing. Not anything I saw, not anything I felt and not anything that was said. The pain doesn’t end. It changes but it never ends with something so horrific. That’s just reality.

She left me with the best gift she ever could. I was being my usual challenging teenager self and we were disagreeing on something but she called me. She called me and said she just couldn’t leave it. She wanted me to know we would work it through and the very last words she ever spoke to me were “I love you”.

I will never forget. I have many photos, I still have her jeans and her perfume. I will always have them in my heart. One day I will get to heaven and they are waiting. That day the pain will end, not a moment sooner.

I know your kickin it with Jesus; Susan, Josiah and David. I miss you.

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Carrying your grief for life

I have lost many people in my life in many different ways. The pain from some of those losses has lessened over time, for others the pain can be fresh and real at any moment. I think this has given me the ability to relate to others who are in pain and understand things they might be going through.

Initially you need to give yourself time to grieve. That may look different for everyone. Whatever your way to grieve is, is what you need to do. How are you going to get out those overwhelming initial waves of pain? Do you need to cry, scream, build something or go for a walk? Do you need to be with people or be alone? Whatever it is make sure you take the time to self care and not just stuff everything inside. There will be times when you need to hold it together to accomplish some of life’s demands, but there has to be some time for a release of emotions.

Once you get through the initial torrent of grief, comes the time of returning back to routine and what life will now be like with the absence of the person lost. This is where I think some people get lost. This process is especially a problem if the loss is significant – how do you “get back to life” when there is a gaping hole?

As I mentioned before there are some losses that I will carry with me. There are times in life when I think, “she should be here,” “they would be X years old now,” or “she would be so proud.” There is something, someone missing. There is pain you carry.

I was recently reading about a mom who lost her son and she realized that others were going through the same thing she was and decided to reach out. Her son died in a Marine Corp helicopter crash and she sends packets of letters and helpful materials to families also affected by such a loss. Philip Yancey  says, “The activity has not solved the grief for her son, of course, but it has given her a sense of meaning, and she no longer feels helpless against that grief.”

I think that is the key – finding a way to find meaning and no longer feel helpless against the grief. I am convinced I will carry this pain with me until I reach heaven and so I have to find a way to not have that loss overwhelm or dictate the rest of my life. We will never find meaning if we only focus on ourselves. Look at the needs of those around you. Is there a soup kitchen nearby that could use  a volunteer? Are there other families you could host a group for? There are so many different ways to get involved that the importance is to do just that – get involved. You are not helpless – your life doesn’t have to end just because theirs did. You still have life – live it, and live it with meaning.