This is what I do, don't try to understand how I do it; I don't really know either

Posts tagged ‘value’

I was bullied

I watched this documentary called Bully. It breaks my heart. Maybe more so because I understand it. I know what it’s like to not fit in. To be picked on and called names or pushed around. In elementary school I was called pig nose. In high school I was called captain forehead. All you want is to have friends and feel like you belong. I just wanted people to like me but the harder I tried, the more I failed.

Victims often get blamed. They are told things like “you shouldn’t put up with that” or “stand up for yourself.” The problem is these kids have no tools to work with. If they could have stood up for themselves don’t you think they would? They don’t have the confidence and/or often the physical ability to do anything different.

I cried all the time and I dreamt about suicide everyday for years. There were two reasons I am still alive: the first is because I didn’t have it in me to hurt myself which is tied to the second reason – I didn’t really want to die, I WANTED TO LIVE!

I just wanted to live without the pain, without the name calling, without being afraid on the walk to school about what would happen that day. I wanted people to be ok with who I was even when I didn’t know who I was.

The end of the film says – Everything starts with one. They’re right. I had one friend in elementary, granted not everyone was mean to me but I really truly only had one friend. She gave me hope that maybe one day it wouldn’t be like it was. Her name was Lindy. Then in high school I got another friend named Alex. They didn’t care about my awkwardness. They didn’t care that cool kids called me names. They hurt with me when boys grabbed me inappropriately for fun or saluted me when I walked down the hallway with a C on their foreheads.

And in all honesty there were kids who were bullied way worse than I was. I made it out alive but kids don’t anymore. One life lost is too many. I wish I could talk to every kid who wants to give up and tell them to hold on – one more day at a time.  I want to tell them that they can make it- because I did.

Adults lets stop blaming. Stop blaming the kids who are being bullied PERIOD. No excuses. Stop minimizing their pain and their experiences. Hurt with them.

Schools stop blaming parents and parents stop blaming schools. Shut up and work together – where do you think kids are learning the name calling, the shifting of responsibility? Bullying happens because we allow it. It will take more than wearing a pink shirt one day a year to change this but we can.

Start in your own home. Have discussions about the value of human life regardless of age, race, gender, sexual orientation. height, weight, appearance, athletic ability – any of it! Then show it in your life. Help others, especially those less fortunate than you.

We had a football party three years ago and two of the kids’ parents who were invited told me their kids had never been to a birthday party or any party. They were never invited. NEVER should that happen.

Every life has value. EVERY one! If we actually believed that and lived that way, no one would want to end their life. Because living would be worth living for.


Fight For Me


I am not sure if observant Jews still today wear phylacteries, but I know they used to. They would walk around with sections of the Torah on their forehead. I don’t think we have to do this, but today a scripture impacted deep in heart heart that I wrote it on my hand so I could grab on to it whenever I needed throughout the day.

I am not sure if it is because I am human. I am not sure if it’s because I am a woman. I am not sure if it’s because I was teased in school. I am not sure if it’s because I grew up in a broken home and knew I had bigger, older brothers out there somewhere, but didn’t really know them. I am not sure if it is because I was victimized several times in my life – I don’t wear the label victim, but I don’t minimize what happened either.

I am not sure where it comes from, but I have always had this deep sense of wanting to be fought for.  People fight for things of value and worth; land, jewels, titles etc.

I am at a place where I know that I have value and worth simply because of who created me. I do fully accept this, but I still have this love to being fought for. When it doesn’t happen my heart aches.

My heart is aching, and today my reading came to Exodus 14:14. Please understand it is a pet peeve of mine that people take scripture that was given for a specific people, at a specific time and hold it as a personal promise, but that’s exactly what I am doing today. I will be first to call myself hypocrite, let’s move on.

God told Moses that He would fight for the Israelites and they just needed to be still. Being still is sooo not my forte but in this time right now, I think it’s exactly the thing He is telling me to do.

So when my heart gets anxious I grab on to the fact that He will fight for me. How do I know this to be true? Because He already did – more than anyone else ever can or will.

Thank you Jesus for the cross. You fought for me and won.