Amanda Carrasco

We just passed the 30 year anniversary of the biggest loss I’ve ever had. It’s always a painful day every year. It will never not be hard. What makes it harder is that life doesn’t stop. I still have to work and be a mom. I still have to do all the things I do, but I do them trying to process the overwhelming grief and loss that resurfaces on that day. I read somewhere that people who experienced trauma, and were alone, tend to isolate or withdraw when they have difficult times. I know that’s very true for me. I don’t really want to talk about it with many people, but there are a very select few.

Community is so important. We don’t often think about it specifically, we just live our lives and relationships. There’s mountains of research that tells us that strong and healthy relationships are essential to thriving. We can sometimes be confused on these types of relationships when we are in distress. I remember reading:

NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE YOU, YOU HAVE TO SAVE YOURSELF.

I thought that was harsh but actually it’s very accurate. This is where we need to realize that healthy relationships will lead us to shelter and not a savior. When we are hurting or have a loss we can sometimes want someone to fix it or to save us. The reality is that people can help but they can’t actually save you. You have to save yourself, but having someone who is a shelter through that process can change everything. No one can do the healing work for me, I have to do that myself. They can be there to listen to me and encourage me but I have to feel the feeling. I might have to make difficult choices or set boundaries or whatever the situation requires but I have to do the things. No one wants to do the things but if you want to be healthy then you have to do the things.

I have a few people who are a shelter. One in particular is the best listener. He rarely offers advice and he never judges me. He approaches our conversations with a spirit of curiosity. He makes listening sounds and asks questions that make me feel like we have taken the problem from outside of my head and we can hold it in our hands and explore it from different angles and perspectives. It feels less overwhelming then and I don’t feel alone. People that tell you what to do can be well meaning but this is your life and not theirs. They might have good advice but it is up to you to determine that and to act accordingly.

Life changes, develops and evolves so some people might be a shelter for a specific circumstance or a season. You might eventually not need to connect as much or there might become a geographical distance between you. It gives me a visual image in my mind of a road with tents pitched at different intervals along the way. There are those who will stay with you through the journey or those you revisit. When the storms of life come, and they will, you can go to your shelter until you are able to move forward.

Superman is not what we need, we need shelter because we are saving ourselves.