Amanda Carrasco

In Canada, incarcerated people have the opportunity to apply for various types of parole and on a fairly short timeline. This means they have more opportunities for various types of freedom. This is something positive for them but can be something very difficult for victims. Dean had a mandatory parole board hearing for full parole and he chose to add a request for ETA’s (escorted temporary absences). It was clear at the hearing that he was not intending to request full parole because he knows that is not a reality, but he used that opportunity to apply for the ETA’s.

It has been several years since we have had to have a parole board hearing. These are gut wrenching and traumatizing. As I have in the past, I am posting my statement publicly to make clear my position on his release. I am working through my PTSD symptoms with fantastic support of friends and my incarcerated community that have done the work and prove that change is possible. They give me light and hope through this darkness. Dean was denied ETA’s, for now. A minor victory in the grand scheme of things.

Victim Statement

To the CSC and Parole Board of Canada,

Re: Full Parole,

I am hard pressed to think these will ever get easier. I am thankful for the longer time period I had from my last one to this one. The reality is that these could be easier. It is a repeat of pain every time to come before the board and request that you keep Dean in jail because he chooses not to change. He is here because of his choices, and we all must come here, also, because of his choices. His performative nature keeps him convinced that we should believe in him and set him free. This same nature fools a lot of people. It has served him well in many areas of his life.

It fooled me when I was in his care as a teen. I never believed he could be capable of the things he was accused of. The truth came out, and the charade was revealed. He’s not self-aware enough to realize that he doesn’t fool everyone. He gets angry that he doesn’t get his way. That he won’t be given a list of things to do and check off so he can show he is on the good-boy list and be released from prison. This line of thinking is offense to me and the rest of his victims, as well as to the people who have committed harm and are actually doing the work of transformational change.

To be set free you must do the work. It is very hard and painful work. It is deep work that starts within you and not from some set of requirements another person can give you. He touches the surface by talking about his childhood, but he does so in a way that is to give the appearance of doing the work. He doesn’t want to change; he doesn’t want to have to dig into his own pain and face the pain he has caused the rest of us. It is offensive to me to watch him claim to be a safe person and request his freedom when I have had to work so hard, and continue to have to work hard every day, to not be a person who hates and lives with resentment and anger. I live with so much pain and that is a constant enticement to go to the dark places that victims sometimes live.

He did this to me. He has keys that could unlock pathways to more freedom for all of us, but he chooses to remain unaccountable. There is a deep need that victims have, which is to hear the words from the person who harmed them, “I’m sorry.” Every day he robs me of that gift. You can never take back the harm. My sister, Susan, their babies, Josiah and David, are never coming back, I cannot hug them, I cannot call her or cry or laugh with her. She can’t be there for me when I still need her every day. He cannot change that, but he can be remorseful, he can be accountable and that is the best thing he could do, but we sit here and he denies.

I am so tired of the denials. It is a constant stabbing at my heart. His denials are ongoing harm to my soul. The pain does not just stem from his initial horrendous act of strangling our family, but from the continued harm of not owning his crimes. This ads trauma upon trauma, pain upon stabbing pain. When will this pain ever stop? Some of it could, but not for his choices. If you could lessen the pain for someone else, why would you not do that? Why does he choose to keep torturing us this way? Why could I not have been home, and he just had killed me then? I am convinced that that would have been less pain than the torture that has been my life. I am doing everything I can to use that pain to help other people because I don’t want to be like him. I want to stop the cycles; I want to genuinely care for others.  I want to heal myself and those who carry pain like me because I know how horrible this is and I would not wish it on anyone, not even him, but it seems unfair that he can cause this pain, not care and ask for freedom.

He asks for freedom without the work required for it. He does not think he should have to do it. Maybe he thinks he is above it? Maybe he thinks they deserved what happened to them? Perhaps he has his own moral code that serves his purpose and means he can perpetuate harm onto anyone and anything that he deems applicable. As a public policy approach, this is unacceptable and puts society at risk. Can he or will he ever decide to change his moral code? That is a question only he can answer. The board has to make a decision based on his actions to determine if his moral code has changed because we cannot judge based on his thoughts. He doesn’t see how his behavior reflects his thoughts though. He has so deluded himself to believing that his way is the right way and everyone should get behind him. This gives him more value than others and that’s not truth. We are all have value and worth. Susan and the babies had value and worth and he didn’t care. He still doesn’t show remorse or recognize their value. This is how I conclude that his moral code has not changed and he is still a danger to society. He does not deserve freedom because he is still harming us.

Re: ETA’s,

Dean has now asked for ETA’s. How can I give input on an ETA when I have no information on what the ETA is for? As expressed above, I have a hope that one day Dean will take responsibility for his crimes. He has not yet in anyway indicated he is going to do so. Is it possible that a program accessible only by ETA could assist with that? I feel that is unlikely considering the programs that he has already done have not built enough empathy for his victims to lead him to this. I also know that ETA’s are a starting point to move towards freedom and freedom without remorse and accountability is a threat to all of us. Based on the limited information available to me I have to oppose ETA’s for Dean. I have hope that the board will factor these things into their decision and that I will be able to feel as safe as possible. There will always be an element of safety that was robbed from me in July 1994 that will never come back. It is somewhat appeased by the walls and bars that keep him contained. I have come to live with the knowledge that, especially as a woman, this world is not safe for me. I never want Dean to hurt anyone ever again. If he does, the responsibility will now not be his alone. It will also be ours because we gave him the freedom to do so.