This is what I do, don't try to understand how I do it; I don't really know either

A funeral for Christmas 

It’s eight days till Christmas and I attended a funeral this morning. Christmas is not my favourite time of year and this was not a welcome addition. No one wants to be at a funeral; let alone as people are busy shopping and decorating and baking. So much pain in a time that is supposed to be so happy. 

Sital was a friend from when Rod and I were dating. Her and her husband started doing photography and we had them photograph our first wedding. They also did a photo session at Spanish banks six months after our son was born. Those were great times with them. They were such a fun couple. Sital had lots of energy and a loving personality. She was great behind the camera but also as a friend. 

What makes her loss extremely devastating is that she took her own life. There are many things wrong in this broken world in which we live and suicide is one of them. Accidents happen, diseases happen, old age happens- suicide should not happen. 

Her 14 year old daughter was so brave today as she spoke about her mom and her death. She said we need to talk. She’s right. 

The first thing I did when I found out was that I called a dear friend who I know struggled with depression and who I know has contemplated suicide. I told him (through sobs) that if he ever felt like acting on those feelings that he needed to call me and I would be on the first plane I could to go to him. I told him I wouldn’t have any answers nor would I know what to say but I would just sit with him so he had tangible proof that he wasn’t alone. I would stay as long as he needed me. 

Sometimes people don’t know until it’s too late. I highly doubt that Sital knew how many people her life has impacted and how deeply people cared for her. Depression lies to you about such things. Pain is a big mask that filters out all incoming positive aspects of life and relationships and only allows in the negative. 

In talking we become vulnerable. We share the good and the bad- but that’s what makes us relatable. I wear many hats – mother, wife, business owner, coach, teacher, friend, daughter and others. I struggle. I love what I do but it’s really really hard. Sometimes more than others. I have wanted to give up and quit. Thankfully I haven’t had suicidal thoughts since I was a teen but I’ve been close to running away. Like actually very close to getting on a plane at random just to go somewhere else for an undetermined amount of time. Life is so hard sometimes.

Some people share that openly and publicly. As long as your not doing that for the dramatic attention then that’s great. Others share more quietly or not at all. Regardless of the medium, we need to connect. God did not make us to be lone islands. He built us for community. That community is hard and sometimes it’s the community that we’re currently in that hurts us. This is one reason I love living in a big city. If one group of people really sucks I go find another group of people that are super awesome. 

Be in community of some kind. 

Have real and authentic relationships. 

Be vulnerable. 

And please above all else…

Never Give Up Hope. I don’t ever want to be at your funeral for that reason. Your not alone.  


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