Amanda Carrasco

There are a lot of holidays in Canada. It feels that way for someone who is not a holiday person. I am sure for many people it is a lovely time to get together with family and connect or to celebrate Jesus or bunnies or your special someone on the day of love. I don’t have great memories of holidays growing up. My family was dysfunctional and that played out on holidays as well as every other day of the year.

Then I got married and if anything was to happen, the weight fell on me. If it was successful then that was meeting expectations: no real displays of appreciation because that was what I was supposed to do. If it was not good then it was my fault and I had failed as a wife and mother. So eventually I really stopped trying. I did the best I could to still give my kids some positive memories by hiding Easter eggs and I still always decorated for Christmas but my kids knew that I would rather not do any of it.

After my divorce, I ignored thanksgiving all together. It was easy because there were no invites to dinner and since I cook dinner for my kids every other night why would I prepare a large meal that takes more effort to make AND clean up.  The kids would eat but someone would complain because you can never please all of them and it would leave me exhausted and questioning the purpose. The year that I didn’t do anything felt good. After that, I decided we were eating pizza for dinner on Christmas with birthday cake and going to a movie. Over the years I have been finding things that the kids and I all enjoy. It definitely has been getting easier as they get older.

This past year something has changed. It’s not that I am really excited to celebrate holidays per se, but I am not dreading them and that is significant. I never in my life have looked forward to Valentine’s day. In elementary I watched kids all around me with stuffed valentine bags and I would get two or three that you could tell were from kids whose moms made them make a valentine for every kid in the class. I appreciate those moms because it was definitely better than getting nothing but I still felt like a complete loser.

I am excited about tomorrow. I have done somethings for some very special people in my life to make them feel valued and appreciated. I specifically chose people that are not likely to get a valentine and who have been working tirelessly for their kids. I have plans instead of sitting home and pretending its not the big V-day.

Today I learned, is Galentines day. I think Galentines day should just hijack the entirety of Valentines but regardless of which day it’s celebrated on, the concept is fantastic. More days of the year need to be Galentines day where women celebrate women. Social media, magazines, TV and movies have women ripping each other apart with their judgments and critiques. Let’s celebrate each other! So tomorrow I bought my kids chocolates and am writing them love letters and I am celebrating some very special women.

February is hard. It’s my brother’s birthday month (who passed away) and the month that my baby was due that I lost. But February 2020, I am doing well. I’m starting to thrive. I am reclaiming my life, myself, and who would have ever thought, but also holidays.