This is what I do, don't try to understand how I do it; I don't really know either

Times

I wanted to write days ago because days ago was the one year anniversary of when everything started, but I was unable because another family crisis demanded my attention. One year ago a beautiful young girl ended her life for reasons that are tragic in that they should not be the cause of an end of life or lives. The way she chose to do that has left trauma for others more than just feeling her loss.  I had to stop as much in my life as I could because I started to fall apart. I just didn’t know it was the beginning of a series of events that could continue to tear apart pieces of me.

It’s been a long year, it’s been a full year, good and bad. Time always ticks on with no regard for our feelings or state of being. Time refuses to stop. There has been loss upon loss this year and my heart has not had time to recover before the next wave washed over me. There is a time to be sad. I have had many of those times and the thing I am most grateful for are my friends and family who have walked with me, sat with me, cried with me, spoken affirmative words over me and loved me in ways I desperately needed.

There are also times to push through pain and move. After each wave there should be a time of reflection on what could life look like now and what do I need to do to make it like that. You start to build and of course have to adjust your plans often. The waves will never stop as long as your breathing. Some are bigger than others and some have more time in between. There have been so many this past year that at times I have felt like I am drowning but by God’s amazing grace I somehow keep finding breath.

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