Amanda Carrasco

So this is it.

I’m watching the last minutes of my thirties run out. I’m ok with that.

They have been good and they have been not so good. I came to my favorite place in the world, Mexico City, so I can enter my fourties with all it’s sights, smells and sounds that make me feel like home. I get to have diner with my family. It’s a place I feel like I belong. The more confident I am in who I am, the more places I find where I fit. I just left my first residency for my PhD and I found that I fit there. I found people I connected with and instantly bonded with. I found people who want to change the world, just like I do.

The more I am happy with me, the less I care about the places that I don’t fit. It doesnt mean it never bothers me, but it bothers me less. I have enough difficult things anyways. I was talking with a friend and he said, Amanda you have been depressed for the last few months. I didn’t understand what he was talking about. Then I took some time to process and he’s right. It’s not that I am sad ALL the time but when I am sad I have been REALLY sad. It’s not that I give up, but it’s been harder to get back up and keep going. Who wants to admit that they are depressed. Who wants to put that out there for the world to make their judgments.

I will. Because people get depressed. Good people, strong people, people like me. It doesn’t mean I have to stay that way, and I won’t, but it means I am here now.  This wasn’t the easiest trip to pull off, but I knew I needed it. I didn’t realize how bad I needed it until I got here and after saying I was depressed, my friend said I was now glowing. He said he saw a smile that he hadn’t seen for a while. I laugh like I haven’t laughed for a while. He said it is evident that this is the place where I belong. I am not able to live here but I can come and recharge here. I don’t have my four favorite people here with me, and for that I am sad, but I needed to be here for me.

Tomorow I am going to Frida’s house. I say that like she’s my friend because I wish she was. She had so many horrible things happen to her in her life, she made tons of poor decisions. I wouldn’t hang some of her artwork on my wall but I admire them because she painted her pain. She lived life fully and was not ashamed of who she was or her story. She lived it. So I am going to sit in her garden and write in the place where she painted and the place where she died. I’m going to start my 40’s in the state that I am and I am going to do the very best with it that I can. I will make mistakes and I will get back up.

It might be getting off to a slow start but I’m going to watch three of my kids graduate in my 40’s. I’m going to finish my PhD in my 40’s. The research is going to make a difference in my 40’s. I will change, the world will change, and I will continue to get better; in my 40’s. I’m writing my story.