I am in an interesting place. It’s a place of opportunity, a place of seeking, a place of dreaming but also grief, loss, change, uncertainty, and pain. In this place I am continuing to read Dallaire’s, Shake Hands with the Devil, but I needed a counter balance and so I started Philip Yancey’s, Where’s God When it Hurts?
Sometimes life takes you off-balance, or the course as you thought it would be, so I am looking for direction towards my specific purpose. Getting here has taken some very hard decisions, but I refuse to live a life of mediocraty. I want more, I want to do more and to be more, because I know I am capable and worth it. I will not settle for anything less anymore. It’s my time. But it’s hard and painful and slower than I would like it to be.
I get stronger. Every. Single. Day.
But, there are still days when I doubt I will make it, I worry and I am afraid. Yancey writes about a Dr. who was a pastoral counselor who was asked how he cures his patients of fear and he said, “I don’t. Everything that’s worthwhile in life is scary. Choosing a school, choosing a career, getting married, having kids – all those things are scary. If it is not fearful, it is not worthwhile,” (emphasis mine).
Wow – that’s a bold statement and way to live, and it’s how I want to live, because to me any other way is not actually living – it is existing. I dont want to exist, I want adventure, I want to make a difference. I do not seek recognition while I am here but I want the world to notice when I am gone, because what I did and how I lived my life mattered. I read advice written to a young man and it encouraged him to choose a girl who gave him the most colorful life imaginable. I hope I do that or have done that. I hope as I have been in your life that I help to open up the opportunity for you to live. I can’t make you do it but I hope I show you what living really is. How scary and difficult and painful and WORTH IT ALL.
You will make the choice for you. I have made mine. I have no idea what the future has in store. I don’t know which of the opportunties will open for me but I knew I had to let go in order to move forward. So I did and I am mid freefall, and I’m ok.
I take Irish dance now. It is amazing. The movement, the music, it grounds me. It makes me feel like I know who I am. I am Irish. We are strong. We take on giants. We do things that we are afraid of, we challenge and fight the good fight. We don’t ever give up.
Every week I am reminded of this, everytime I put on my hard shoes. Erin Go Bragh
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