Gosh, I love Brene Brown.
She makes me feel courageous. She gives me the inspiration to be brave, the permission to fail, and the drive to live vulnerably. I just watched her Netflix special (WATCH IT). I had been counting the days until it was live and today was the day, and my heart needed it. I have been wrestling with my vulnerability, as you do when you are hurt and rejected, but vulnerability is how I live and breathe. I don’t want to be any other way.
She says that daring greatly is having the courage to show up when you don’t know the outcome. I have dared greatly and it has not paid off in the hoped-for outcome. I chose to love and then love again and both of those relationships ended with my heart being shattered. I was very aware they were both high risk, but if they had worked out it would have been worth it.
But neither worked out so does that mean I failed? Yeah, kind of. The relationships certainly failed. But Brene tells a story about how winning isn’t always about being first to the finish line. Sometimes winning is to get on the blocks and get wet. So I won. I showed up and I chose to love, not knowing the outcome. She says that you can’t let yourself be loved if you don’t let yourself be seen. I put myself out there and I was me, good and bad, and I let myself be seen. That’s winning no matter what the other person chose. I want to be a person who sees and is seen. This doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt – because it SURE AS HELL DOES. Every single day. You can’t be vulnerable and avoid pain.
I am terrified to get into a relationship again. It is true that I don’t need a man, but that’s different than being closed off to it. The story I tell myself (you’ll get that line if you watch the show) is that I should have known better, I should have been smarter than to love the way I did. There were signs things wouldn’t work out and I ignored them. I realized today though that there will always be “signs” because nothing and no one is perfect. This doesn’t mean you turn a blind eye to everything, but it means I am watching me talk myself out of a relationship before it’s even begun because I am scared.
I don’t want to hurt again, especially not like this, but I don’t ever want to live in a castle. Vulnerability is our path back to each other – Brene. I quit my job and I am looking for what is next in my life. I have no idea what that is because I have applied to about 14 other opportunities and nothing is happening yet, but whatever it is, is going to be in the direction of seeing people. I started working on ideas and I have given my vision for the next stage of my life the name Nakuona because in Swahili it means “I see you.”
I am going to connect with people and show them that it’s good to be brave, that vulnerability is strength and it’s how we will all heal together.
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